Two issues, matters, whatever, I seem to have to decide on, set a course, determine a direction. And I can’t or I won’t. This blog is starting to be cellspace grand central. I might as well conduct my email correspondence in public. In a way I like that. I like having discussion here and arguments and voices. But no decisions are to be expected from me. I know how this works: something has announced itself, and I’m staying put until I put the pieces of the puzzle together. It’s grasping of course, grasping at the photographs, grasping at my love of film, grasping at images, grasping at sight, through shame of sightlessness. I am discovering how everything about my life is involved. I remember an interview with Hannes Walrafen: he said: “people often tell me I have to come to terms with my blindness, but I’m simply too busy to have time for that. I wonder whether I’m really running away from it.” And that’s what I was doing, but it won’t be of any help to me. That realization at least is making itself felt, in episodes. I won’t say it isn’t tough, because it is, but it is also other things, but now, the grief and the mourning are at the forefront. Finally, I might add. At least it feels true. So. How to go on. A week ago, I thought I detected something of a whole person again, some degree of healing, some acceptance. It was after I had lunch with A. and M. and I was on the train home, and I caught myself not thinking consciously about how I went to Amsterdam and back, the navigational details, shall we say, but just about lunch and Amsterdam and walking down Zeedijk to Nieuwmarkt. Being in Latei, where I go often with friends and where my journey really began when I was there with E. Just that. Then the moment passed and I was in anticipation mode again, but it was the first time I realized that if I let go, stop grasping, it’ll be alright. And so I have to make sense of this and stop involving myself in plans and decisions. So, M. and J., I love to come to Amsterdam, but I’m not going to NDSM because I would be a prisoner at Homebase and it isn’t of any use to me, although I love it dearly. Let’s just sit together and talk. I need to go places.