breaking

I’m listening to all the music I can get my hands on and it doesn’t matter what it is. Someone broke my good headphones, by first putting them on the ground and then stepping on them, so I bought new ones, studio monitors, with fantastic bass, and - now that the membranes have been broken in - high and elegant treble. It’s medicine. Medicine against the pain, against the feeling that everything is breaking up inside, nothing the same, destruction, death. My brain seeks to re-order itself and I suffer the consequences. For now the music helps, but there is a lot of despair mixed in with my daily activities. A lot of bitterness, hard edges, resistance. Memories flow back, and I didn’t know I had them. Obviously they were anchored in sound and now that my brain’s cortex is reorganizing itself, these memories pop up at random, and it feels like being ambushed. A large part of my life was dedicated to cataloguing and compartmentalizing those memories, to render them as harmless as possible. Now that the modalities in my life have shifted this process must begin again. I’ve been caught out. Much earlier I was having very intense hallucinations. What is happening now is more subtle, more undermining. Need to think flow and meanwhile listen to Beethoven’s sixth symphony, conducted by Hermann Scherchen.